Thoughts on Mother's Day

This is one of my favorite pictures. It is of Ariel and Zack in Gold Country, in the summer of 1993. Ariel was almost two and Zack was 10 1/2. I love it because it shows so clearly how they adored each other. I guess their age difference cut out a lot of the rivalry and they just mostly had fun together.

I have had a great Mother's Day. Ken and kids have always made it nice and this year Ken and Arie went all out. It was so relaxing and just fun. I got homemade banana pancakes made by Arie and oodles of gifts and we just watched movies and hung out and had a wonderful time.

Around sunset, though, I felt Zack's absence more acutely than usual. After all, he is the one that made me a mom. He trained me and I'm a better mom now for the things that he taught me. Arie is a very lucky young girl not to be the oldest. The things I thought I knew but really didn't when I became a mom were many. Missing Zack like this is no reflection on Arie, though - she is a delight and I feel so blessed every day to be her mom. She is a beautiful, strong, intelligent and amusing girl and I am so grateful that God trusted me with her. I think it's that we are a family of four, but with only three people present. My heart stretched to encompass three other people and hearts don't just shrink back down when the missing person is gone - you just feel the emptiness where the person used to be. I know Ken and Arie also feel that emptiness, each in their own way.

I feel blessed, though, to have had the honor of being Zack's mom. He was handsome and empathetic and funny as hell. He was a pain in the ass when he was 15 and was an absolute angel at other times. He was patient with me and was a loving and amazing son. I miss him so much I hurt.

We have been through a very rough patch lately in our home. We have all been very down lately. Ken is listless and more absent-minded than I've ever known him to be, he and I have been arguing more than ever before and I have had zero energy. It takes every thing I have just to do some of the basics around the house. Arie has had a lot of fear and stress. Arie and I have been sick since the beginning of February. She missed so much school and has been so ill and stressed out that she has withdrawn entirely from school. When we get back from summer vacation, we will begin home schooling - that will be interesting. She has been seeing her personal trainer and is taking Pilates twice a week to build back her strength. We are also seeing a new counselor and he seems to be very proactive and seems a good fit for the family. Please pray for us because we really are not in good shape.

I had three goals when we chose to come overseas. First, I was going to lose weight and get healthy, second, I was going to get our home organized and get all our photos in an album and third, I was going to finish writing "Update on Zack" and get it published. I have, slowly over the last month, been coming around to understand that, as much as I want to do all that, this is not the time. I really feel that even though I am anxious to get on with all my goals, that God has a different plan. I've been thinking about the verses in Ecclesiastes, the ones that were put to music in the song "Turn, turn, turn." There is a season for every purpose under heaven. I really, really want it to be late spring - early summer, but I think that where I am is in the dead of winter. I am coming to see that this is actually a time of retreat, rebuilding, regrowth and hopefully then rebirth. I feel that even as much as we mourned Zack while he was still alive and in the 2 1/2 years since he's been gone, there is still much work to be done. Up until this past month, I did not see this as clearly and it has been a very tough couple of months. I have felt so bad and have been so worried about Arie and about the state of my marriage with Ken. I am starting, slowly, to see this as a rearranging of my priorities to fit with God's timing. I am starting to understand that this down time is necessary, but it is frustrating.

I have known people who have had knee or ankle surgery. Many of them are very active physically and they have always been so frustrated at having to be off their feet and out of circulation. I didn't quite understand it because it is so easy for me to goof off - no problem. However, I totally understand their pain now. I feel the same sense of wasted time and frustration at not being able to be on the blog regularly, to work on Zack's book, to get my goals accomplished. Like my friends were kept from being up and around by their physical problems and the necessary time of healing, I am being sidelined by my emotions and health and really also need a time of healing. I understand all this, but still feel so much like I'm letting the opportune time to publish Zack's book just slip by and that I am not honoring his memory or the suffering he endured. I have always had a problem with procrastinating and letting my chances pass me by. This is one I can't let pass, but I also see that this timing is God's timing, even though I am frustrated. I am striving to reclaim the depth of faith I had before and to trust that small voice that tells me to be where I am and assures me that I will have time later, when my current work is done, to accomplish all I have dreamed.

I hope all of you who are moms have a wonderful day and that God smiles on you today.

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