Happy New Year and Welcome 2009

Haven't posted in a LONG time and want to say "Hi" and Happy New Year to all. These past few days have been tough - on the 27th it was five years since the evening Zack left us. We took some flowers out to his grave and prayed, as we often do. It was just somehow harder this year. Five seems to be a significant number to people, maybe since we have five fingers on each hand. I was remembering Christmas Eve five years ago. Ken's family was over and we all gathered around his hospice bed in the family room, rather than near the tree, and opened our presents and had our Christmas in there. This year was the first that we have had family over for Christmas Eve since then. It was great having everyone, but truly bittersweet. After everyone had left, I really wished that I had offered a toast to Zack at dinner or in some way talked more about him with the family. Ken tells me that they all looked at the photo albums and talked about him while I was cooking, so even though I wasn't in on it, I'm glad that he was remembered and reminisced over.

I hope everyone who knew Zack will say a toast to him for the New Year and then, in his memory, try to make every day memorable and remember that it truly is a gift from God and use it accordingly.

One of my resolutions is to finish writing my Update on Zack book and get it published this year, so please pray for me to have the ability to do that.

Have a great 2009!

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Change of Email Address & Additional Blog

Well, it's almost Easter and the weather here is getting nice, albeit with a bit of rain. Just wanted to let you know that I won't be using my old barbarah@clearsail.net address for much longer. My new address is: bunny3k@sbcglobal.net. Please update your email address book, as we will be discontinueing Clearsail soon.

Remember -



Christian MySpace Graphics

Have a blessed Palm Sunday, Passover and Easter, as the case may be.

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New, additional blog & some pics

Hi,

We've been back in The Woodlands since last October. It is nice being home, although we miss our friends and the beaches back in Australia.

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Thoughts on Mother's Day

This is one of my favorite pictures. It is of Ariel and Zack in Gold Country, in the summer of 1993. Ariel was almost two and Zack was 10 1/2. I love it because it shows so clearly how they adored each other. I guess their age difference cut out a lot of the rivalry and they just mostly had fun together.

I have had a great Mother's Day. Ken and kids have always made it nice and this year Ken and Arie went all out. It was so relaxing and just fun. I got homemade banana pancakes made by Arie and oodles of gifts and we just watched movies and hung out and had a wonderful time.

Around sunset, though, I felt Zack's absence more acutely than usual. After all, he is the one that made me a mom. He trained me and I'm a better mom now for the things that he taught me. Arie is a very lucky young girl not to be the oldest. The things I thought I knew but really didn't when I became a mom were many. Missing Zack like this is no reflection on Arie, though - she is a delight and I feel so blessed every day to be her mom. She is a beautiful, strong, intelligent and amusing girl and I am so grateful that God trusted me with her. I think it's that we are a family of four, but with only three people present. My heart stretched to encompass three other people and hearts don't just shrink back down when the missing person is gone - you just feel the emptiness where the person used to be. I know Ken and Arie also feel that emptiness, each in their own way.

I feel blessed, though, to have had the honor of being Zack's mom. He was handsome and empathetic and funny as hell. He was a pain in the ass when he was 15 and was an absolute angel at other times. He was patient with me and was a loving and amazing son. I miss him so much I hurt.

We have been through a very rough patch lately in our home. We have all been very down lately. Ken is listless and more absent-minded than I've ever known him to be, he and I have been arguing more than ever before and I have had zero energy. It takes every thing I have just to do some of the basics around the house. Arie has had a lot of fear and stress. Arie and I have been sick since the beginning of February. She missed so much school and has been so ill and stressed out that she has withdrawn entirely from school. When we get back from summer vacation, we will begin home schooling - that will be interesting. She has been seeing her personal trainer and is taking Pilates twice a week to build back her strength. We are also seeing a new counselor and he seems to be very proactive and seems a good fit for the family. Please pray for us because we really are not in good shape.

I had three goals when we chose to come overseas. First, I was going to lose weight and get healthy, second, I was going to get our home organized and get all our photos in an album and third, I was going to finish writing "Update on Zack" and get it published. I have, slowly over the last month, been coming around to understand that, as much as I want to do all that, this is not the time. I really feel that even though I am anxious to get on with all my goals, that God has a different plan. I've been thinking about the verses in Ecclesiastes, the ones that were put to music in the song "Turn, turn, turn." There is a season for every purpose under heaven. I really, really want it to be late spring - early summer, but I think that where I am is in the dead of winter. I am coming to see that this is actually a time of retreat, rebuilding, regrowth and hopefully then rebirth. I feel that even as much as we mourned Zack while he was still alive and in the 2 1/2 years since he's been gone, there is still much work to be done. Up until this past month, I did not see this as clearly and it has been a very tough couple of months. I have felt so bad and have been so worried about Arie and about the state of my marriage with Ken. I am starting, slowly, to see this as a rearranging of my priorities to fit with God's timing. I am starting to understand that this down time is necessary, but it is frustrating.

I have known people who have had knee or ankle surgery. Many of them are very active physically and they have always been so frustrated at having to be off their feet and out of circulation. I didn't quite understand it because it is so easy for me to goof off - no problem. However, I totally understand their pain now. I feel the same sense of wasted time and frustration at not being able to be on the blog regularly, to work on Zack's book, to get my goals accomplished. Like my friends were kept from being up and around by their physical problems and the necessary time of healing, I am being sidelined by my emotions and health and really also need a time of healing. I understand all this, but still feel so much like I'm letting the opportune time to publish Zack's book just slip by and that I am not honoring his memory or the suffering he endured. I have always had a problem with procrastinating and letting my chances pass me by. This is one I can't let pass, but I also see that this timing is God's timing, even though I am frustrated. I am striving to reclaim the depth of faith I had before and to trust that small voice that tells me to be where I am and assures me that I will have time later, when my current work is done, to accomplish all I have dreamed.

I hope all of you who are moms have a wonderful day and that God smiles on you today.

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Sorry to be away for so long

I know how boring it is to go to a site and have it not change for days, weeks, etc. Ariel and I have been sick with some Australian virus for at least 6 weeks now, dizziness, fever, headaches, nausea - woohoo we're having some fun!!

Just wanted to touch base to tell you I hadn't forgotten you and also that I have not given up on the blog or the book. It just has taken everything I've had to do dishes, laundry and get Ariel to the doctor and to school. Please pray for us and now Ken is sick too - I warned him not to kiss me - so please pray for him, too.

Love you all and if any of you need prayer, please let us all know that too. There is power in prayer that goes past Earthly understanding, so tap into it.

love,
b

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MOM 9 "In The Blink of An Eye" by Mercy Me

We have had so many people we know lose parents in this last year, including of course, us, because we lost Ken's father in September. That, coupled with the 2nd anniversary of Zack's death, has made me think a lot more about heaven. Actually, I began to think seriously about it, trying to really imagine it, since we knew Zack was terminal. I tried to get all the info I could about it and he and I would read the stuff and discuss it. One of my frustrations was that although there are many stories and studies, not that many are from a Christian perspective.

Still, we found a few things and talked about them. It seems most people have a moment when they are suddenly free from their body and often are looking back at it from above. Sometimes they have a sensation of going toward a light, they may be accompanied by angels, and then they are greeted by loved ones who have passed on before. The feeling of absolute love and health that they experience is such that, when they learn they have to go back to their bodies, and to life, they don't want to go, even though they may be very dedicated to their family and really love their life.

One book that I wish I could have read to Zack didn't come out until after he had left us. It is an extraordinary book, "90 Minutes in Heaven" by Don Piper http://www.donpiperministries.com/. It is the true story of a minister from Texas who died in a head-on car crash, went to heaven, and then was brought back to Earth. Before I was a Christian, I sometimes thought that I'd rather go to hell and hang out with fun people than to float around on a cloud playing a harp all day. It looked really boring and humorless. I now know that hell is absolutely not where I want to end up. Hell is hell because you are separated from God and from all others, too. Likewise, my views about the nature of heaven changed quite a bit. I understood that you would know loved ones, that you would have no pain or sadness and that you would be in the presence of God. I still was a bit stuck on the idea of spending all the time praising God. I mean, He's good and all but who does he think He is . . . oh, yeah, He is God, but still. . . it could get old, or so I thought.

Two things have influenced me otherwise. The first is a sermon, preached by our dear friend and minister from back home, Rev. Stew Grant. (To see more about Stew, click on this link http://www.twumc.org/ and then go to "About Us" and then select "Meet our Staff.") I always love to hear Stew speak because he has a gift of putting things spiritual in a way accessible to everyone. This sermon is the one he gave the day after he had been with us as Zack left this Earth for heaven. Each week at TWUMC, the ministers usually give the same sermon at each service, but each one is slightly different based on the preacher's style, etc. It was the end of the year in 2003, Sun., Dec. 28th, so the subject was "Beginning with the End." Stew shared a most powerful message about the issues of heaven and hell and salvation and used the opportunity to talk openly and frankly about them. Frankness is something that our church is still working on - getting better over the past 11 years, for sure, but still a style that not everyone appreciates. He showed a clip of a pastor in Nigeria who died and was in heaven and then came back and told his story. The pastor was shown both heaven and hell and was told to come back and tell people about what he saw, so that people might know the truth and be spared from hell. It was an urgent plea against complacency. I will always be so thankful to Stew for including Zack in the sermon and for sharing this most important message. I am trying to figure out how to put the sermon on the blog so you can listen to it, too. Believe me, it's worth the time. I understood, for the first time, the absolute joy that is in the celebration and worship in heaven. It is not a boring place. It gave me a better idea of where Zack was and I could so picture him singing and dancing with joy and in perfect health.

The second influence was Don Piper's recollections of his time in heaven. After reading his account, I had an even more clear idea of being in heaven. As soon as he arrived, he was greeted by his grandfather, friends and other relatives who had died in his lifetime. The way he described it reminded me of being at a big party with new people showing up all the time. As each person arrives, there is cheering and hellos and hugs, and before one celebration ends another begins. The light is brighter than human eyes could stand, the colors more intense and the music indescribably beautiful. A huge, joyous party surrounded by people laughing, singing and greeting others - I can see Zack there - it would be just his element. And not boring at all.

I love this song because it not only clearly describes the suddenness with which we leave here and arrive in heaven, but also is an encouragement for me to keep my focus on where it should be.

In The Blink Of An Eye
by Mercy Me

You put me here for a reason
You have a mission for me
You knew my name and
You called it
Long before I learned to breathe

Sometimes I feel disappointed
By the way I spend my time
How can I further Your kingdom
When I'm so wrapped up in mine?

In a Blink of an eye that is when
I'll be closer to You than I've ever been
Time will fly, but until then
I'll embrace every moment I'm given
There's a reason I'm alive
for a blink of an eye

And though I'm living a good life
Can my life be something great?
I have to answer the question
Before it's too late

Cause in a Blink of an eye that is when
I'll be closer to You than I've ever been
Time will fly, but until then
I'll embrace every moment I'm given
There's a reason I'm alive
for a blink of an eye

If I give the very best of me
That becomes my legacy
So tell me what am I waiting for?
What am I waiting for?

In a Blink of an eye that is when
I'll be closer to You than I've ever been
Time will fly, but until then
I'll embrace every moment I'm given

In a Blink of an eye that is when
I'll be closer to You than I've ever been
Time will fly, but until then
I'll embrace every moment I'm given
There's a reason I'm alive
for a blink of an eye

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There IS Time on Earth

In an earlier blog, I talked about how there is no time in Heaven. Just wanted to let you know that I haven't forgotten the music, but there is time here and I've been spending this last week with Ariel, getting ready for the end of summer vacation and for her new school year to begin. She is in Australian Year 10 now and started classes today, on Tues.

I love honoring God and Zack and sharing stuff with you on-line but I love even more to spend time with Ariel. I"m so aware of the short amount of time that we have our kids at home with us and so want to make the most of all the time.

I'll continue with the Month of Music (okay, it's not really a month, so let's just say 31 Days of Music) tomorrow.

Cheers,

love,

B

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MOM 8 "Who Am I?" by Casting Crowns

I love this song because, to me, it explains the Christian perspective on salvation better than any song I've ever heard. Also, it came out the year after we lost Zack, and it was so comforting to remember that in the pits of my depression and utter sadness, God was there, He cared and He understood. Listening to this song is bittersweet for me because it reminds me how fragile Zack's life turned out to be. It underscore the frailty of human life. We really are just "flowers quickly fading" and "vapors in the wind" - hearing this reminds me to live each day to the fullest because life is fragile. Do I always do that? No, sadly, not really, not as much as I should.
But I gain strength from the knowledge that my salvation and promise of heaven do not depend on my doing enough good things to qualify, but only on the sacrifice that Christ had already made for me. As the song says, "Not because of who I am, but because of what you've done. Not because of what I've done, but because of who you are."

God has "calmed the storm in me" many times over in the last few years. How I appreciate that and how I appreciate Christ's sacrifice for me. I truly am His. Whom shall I fear?


Who Am I
by Casting Crowns

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wondering heart.

Not because of who I am.
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done.
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord you catch me when I'm falling,
And you told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see our sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am.
But because what of youve done.
Not because of what I've done.
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord you catch me when I'm falling,
And you told me who I am.
I am yours.

Not because of who I am.
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done.
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord you catch me when I'm falling,
You told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cuz I am yours.
I am yours.

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MOM6 "What If His People Prayed" by Casting Crowns

I chose this song today because prayer is the theme of the day. This song actually came out after Zack left us, but he would have really liked Casting Crowns. They have a good sound and their messages are bold, comforting and thought provoking. Today, I joined a new prayer ministry at our Australian home church, Kenmore Baptist Church. After what we have been through and all we've seen of the power of prayer, I'm excited to be able to participate in helping others discover it's strength.

When we found out we were being considered for the Brisbane position, we prayed that God would send us where he wanted us to be. So many things about the move just fell into place that we just knew it was right. As part of the answer to our prayers, God led Ken to Kenmore Baptist last Easter. He was moved by the sermon and the spirit of the church. We believe KBC understands Jesus' teachings and really encourages their members to use them to go into the world to make a difference in people's lives in the name of Christ's love. Also, through the church, we have met Lisa and David Bagnall. They and their children are the nicest, coolest and most fun people you would want to know and they have a real love of God - another prayer answered.

Kenmore Baptist, in the suburbs of Brisbane, Australia, is an exciting place to be right now.
Link to them here http://www.kbc.org.au/
They are in the process of relocating, building and expanding their campus, to make more room for the current needs of the ministries in the church, but also to be a place of Christian outreach and comfort to the greater Brisbane area. I do hope we get a bookstore in the church, like we have back home at The Woodlands United Methodist Church (see link on sidebar) because Brisbane is the third largest city in all of Australia and only has one Christian bookstore.

Today's song is based on a promise in the Old Testament about prayer - a great verse that contains four requests from God, but also offers three promises in return.
It is 2 Chronicles 7:14 "... if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land."

What If His People Prayed
by Casting Crowns
http://www.castingcrowns.com/music.php?content=album&album=31657

What if the armies of the Lord
Picked up and dusted off their swords
Vowed to set the captives free
And not let satan have one more

What if the church, for heaven's sake
Finally stepped up to the plate
Took a stand upon God's promise
And stormed hell's rusty gates

Chorus:
What if His people prayed
And all who bare His name
Would humbly seek His face
And Turn from their own way

And what would happen if we prayed
For those raised up to lead the way
Then maybe kids in school could pray
And unborn children see light of day

What if the life that we pursue
Came from a hunger for the truth
What if the family turned to Jesus
Stopped asking Oprah what to do

Chorus:
What if His people prayed
And all who bare His name
Would humbly seek His face
And Turn from their own way
He said that they would hear
His promise has been made
He'll answer loud and clear
If only we would pray

If My people called by My name
If they'll humble themselves and pray
If My people called by My name
If they'll humble themselves and pray

Prayer is powerful and I hope that you will find that out in your own life this week.

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MOM 5 "Where You Lead Me" by Mercy Me

The day I was supposed to write this blog was a Sat., the 14th. I'm actually writing it later, but posting then so the days will stay in order - got that? Anyway, last Saturday, we were trying to decide what to do for dinner. It was about 6:30 p.m. and I said, "Hey, let's go to the store and get something to grill, make a salad . . . ." Ken reminded me that here in Brisbane, the grocery stores close at 5 p.m. on Sat. That was good for about five minutes of griping about what I miss about The Woodlands, where we moved here from. I'm used to convenience, selection and good prices, none of which are to be found here.

There are several things I miss from home. I miss our friends, family, church and neighborhood. I miss Tex-Mex and cheese that tastes the way it's supposed to. Prescription refill requests you can call into the pharmacy (chemist's) phone line and then go pick it up the next day. I miss living in a place where air conditioning in your home is not a luxury. I miss 24 hr. stores and Starbucks and drive-thru convenience. The spiders here are really huge and terrifying and they have a toad, the cane toad, that if you touch it . . . you die! Frogs are supposed to be friendly, like Kermit.

Anyway, you get the picture - unhappiness with our current situation abounds. At least for Arie and I. Ken has some issues, but not as many.

Three things today reminded me that actually, when the chance for this job came up, Ken and I had prayed that God would send us where he wanted us to be and to use us for His purposes. I don't remember, now that I think about it, saying, "God send us where you want us, but make it just like home and make it easy for us." First, I got an email from my sister Megan, reminding me of what a privilege it is to have this opportunity to see more of the world and suggesting I embrace it and have fun. It was encouraging and she reminded me that my perspective is all that needs to change, not my circumstances. Then, I remembered the message in a sermon at our new church the week before Christmas. It had touched me then and reminded me why we were here, but then with all the stuff around Christmas away from home, the 2nd anniversary of Zack's death, my birthday and Zack's birthday, I sort of forgot and the message got lost in my sorrow. But I got it back and here it is: You are where you are because God has brought you there. It's your choice what you do with that. You can seek God's will for your life, try to figure out your purpose and then do your best to fulfill it or you can be so unhappy about where God has brought you that ignore why you might be there. I knew that, and have for a long time, but sometimes you need to be reminded of what you already know. The third thing that brought me back to remembering was listening to the Mercy Me "Undone" CD and to the song, "Where You Lead Me." It has been one of my favorite songs since I first heard it. Hearing it tonight (Tues., the 17th) was a nudge from God that reinforced the other two messages I had gotten and so it became the song for this day.


Where You Lead Me
by Mercy Me
from Undone

What is life? A thousand roads, a thousand ways
Why am I so afraid to move
I crossed the line
I'm stepping out so come what may
I give it all cause I'm drawn to You
As long as my heart is beating...

Where You lead me
I will follow
Where You lead me
I give my life away
Where You lead me
I will follow Forever and a day
Forever and a day

I can't deny
Your very presence is my life
And why would I ever turn away
Cause deep inside I know that I cannot rely
On anything less than faith
As long as my heart is beating...

Where You lead me I will follow
Where You lead me I give my life away
Where You lead me I will follow
Forever and a day

This is all I'm dreaming of
To live completely in Your love
So this is life . . .
Where You lead me I give my life away
Where You lead me I will follow
Forever and a day

Where You lead me I will follow
Where You lead me
I give my life away
Where You lead me I will follow
Forever and a day
Forever and a day


I had forgotten that I had given my life away already. Oh, sure, we had so many blessings all through Zack's illness and I can have faith that I know where Zack is and that I'll be with him someday because of Christ's sacrifice, and actually I had asked God to be where I am but still I didn't know I'd have to deal with these shopping hours . . . sounds pretty petty to me, and pretty human, too.

I'm thankful beyond words that when I forget who I am and why I'm here, that there are others there to remind me. Thank you.

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MOM4 "Stupid" by the W's

Ariel reminded me yesterday that one of Zack's favorite songs was "Stupid" by The W's. They are a ska/swing type band - very snappy and funny lyrics. I have tried in vain to find the words to Stupid but can't. If anyone reading this knows the song, please fill in the missing parts. Today, if you click on the blog title, it won't take you to The W's but below I have a link to a site where you can get healthier and help Karen Long - read more details below. Anyway, on with the song, this is it.

It starts off:

There was a ----- lady,
She had a poodle doggie,
Once while giving little Fifi a bath
she thought of an innovation.
After some tender lovin'
she popped him into her microwave oven
the poor little dog never heard the bell ring
he went out with a bang, if you know what I mean.

Stupid, that was stupid,
no you can't say that that was smart,
Stupid, that is stupid,
sometimes our brains must be falling apart.

That's all I can remember well.
The next verse is about some crooks who rob a soda machine, get arrested and pay their bail in quarters and dimes

The last verse is about rejecting God and how that's not too bright either.

Anyway, send the lyrics on if you have them.

Prayer request:
Most of you know Karen and Clyde and how great they are. If you don't, read some of the earlier posts. Anyway, they are the best but have had so many bad things happen since Dec. 1st. Karen was in a wreck, not hurt thankfully, but the other motorist was uninsured. They've had major car problems, illness in the family, and Karen had a cancer scare. Please pray for God to heal them and provide a way that they can cover all the unexpected expenses.

Karen left a job that was causing stress and physical illness. I'm so glad she resigned. I had been trying to convince her that her health was more important than cash flow, but she stayed with it much longer than she should have because she didn't want to quit without another source of income.

She is now in the nutritional field and sent me the following information. If you would like to help Karen and Clyde in a practical way as well as spiritually, and help Karen get her new career off to a good start, please consider getting some suppliments from her. Ken and I are both going to order some.

Here's what she sent:

Also if you know anyone who is a vitamin believer please have them go to my web site and order...I get a $1000 bonus if I sell to 20 different customers within 30 days (my note - that's by the 28th of January, I think). They must have the exact web site for me to get credit.

www.dontforgettotakeyourvitamins.com/long19851

No time like the New Year to begin taking better care of yourself. Not to do so would be stupid.

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MOM 3 "The Saga Begins" - Weird Al

Hey, so time to perk things up a bit. I know Zack would have had respect for remembering someone who was gone, but I'm sure he'd also want to go do something more lighthearted afterward.

So, without further ado, here is one of Zack's favorite singers, Weird Al. Zack and Weird Al shared three characteristics: humor, using words to entertain and, most importantly, a gift for being a first class smart ass. Once again, you can click on today's title and get to a website. When I learn how to put the actual song on there, I'll do that, too. (Also, thanks for the note Rachel - no I haven't looked at my email - but will soon and appreciate you being in touch. Tell your mom 'hi' too.)

This song also incorporates another of Z's favorite things - Star Wars.

The Saga Begins Lyrics
To the tune of "Bye, Bye American Pie" by Don MacLean

A long, long time ago
In a galaxy far away
Naboo was under an attack
And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn
Could talk the federation into
Maybe cutting them a little slack
But their response, it didn't thrill us
They locked the doors and tried to kill us
We escaped from that gas
Then met Jar Jar and Boss Nass
We took a bongo from the scene
And we went to Theed to see the Queen
We all wound up on Tatooine
That's where we found this boy...

Oh my my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Did you know this junkyard slave
Isn't even old enough to shave
And he can use the Force, they say
Ahh, do you see him hitting on the queen
Though he's just nine and she's fourteen
Yah, he's probably gonna marry her someday
Well, I knew he built C-3PO
And I've heard how fast his pod can go
And we were broke, it's true
So we made a wager or two
He was a prepubescent flyin' ace
And the minute Jabba started off that race
Well, I knew who would win first place
Oh yes, it was our boy
We started singin' ...

My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Now we finally got to Coruscant
The Jedi Council we knew would want
To see how good the boy could be
So we took him there and we told the tale
How his midi-chlorians were off the scale
And he might fulfill that prophecy
Oh, the Council was impressed, of course
Could he bring balance to the Force?
They interview the kid
Oh, training they forbid
Because Yoda sensed in him much fear
And Qui-Gon said "Now listen here"
"Just stick it in your pointy ear"
"I still will teach this boy"

He was singin' ...
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

We caught a ride back to Naboo
'Cause Queen Amidala wanted to
I frankly would've liked to stay
We all fought in that epic war
And it wasn't long at all before
Little Hotshot flew his plane and saved the day
And in the end some Gunguns died
Some ships blew up and some pilots fried
A lot of folks were croakin'
The battle droids were broken
And the Jedi I admire most
Met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast
Well, I'm still here and he's a ghost
I guess I'll train this boy

And I was singin' ...
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

We were singin' ...
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

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MOM Day 2 "Held" by Natalie Grant

Today's song, "Held" by Natalie Grant is one that really resonates with me these days. Click on the Title of today's blog to hear some of the song and to go to her website. Here is Natalie's explanation of the song and the lyrics:

Held Lyrics

(Christa Wells)

Christa Wells, a part-time songwriter and stay-at-home mom of three in North Carolina wrote this song in response to two very difficult losses that happened within 48 hours. And for her, I think it must have been one of those total shake-your-fist-at-God moments where you cry, “Why God?” These are the things in life that we cannot understand or explain, and the lyrics reflect that honesty. God didn't promise us we'd be okay or that life would be easy. My faith does not protect me from pain, but it provides me with peace. God only promises us that when we suffer, when we're in pain, we'll be held in His arms through every circumstance.


Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our Savior

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

Repeat Chorus


Why this song?

One thing hard to understand is that if God loves us and if by becoming followers of Christ we come into his family, how come tragedy and grief come into our lives the same as those who hate God and mock Christ? I think it's very common to believe something like, "Now that my soul is saved and I'm trying my best to live by Christ's example, life will be so much smoother." I mean, I'm in with the big guy now, he loves me, I must have some special protection from life's woes now. Uh, no.

There is evil in the world and we get just as much of it tossed at us as anyone else does. There are a few key differences, though, in my experience. One is that living by God's laws, you get in less bad situations of your own making. After I became a believer in my early 30's, and I really for the first time studied the Bible, I saw that the guidance from the Bible really contains a lot of common sense and great ideas. This should not be a surprise, as God loves us and wants us to have happy lives. Also, He created humans, so following His "Owner's Manual" for human life is a good idea. Another difference is that when stuff does happen, we have a loving Father God to turn to for wisdom, through His written word, and to rest in, through prayer and the knowledge that no matter what, God is in control.

I love this song because it deals with this and also with the anger that accompanies this feeling of being betrayed by God. It is so human though to feel let down and angry at God when crap happens and we just don't understand why. I think we all at some point have just been boiling mad at God about why He didn't give Zack a miracle or even why Zack had to get cancer at all. I mean, how stupid. He was an average teen, so that means he was a pain in the ass as well as a complete laugh to be around. Depended which day you caught him. He was no saint, but he wasn't a murderer, terrorist, or any other kind of villian and he did have faith in Christ and tried to live a good life. Why him? Sitting here now and thinking about the injustice of it all, it still makes me mad. But this is key: I am mad, but I haven't given up on God. So many others were angry at God and so stopped talking to him (praying) and stopped listening to Him (reading his word, listening to that still, small voice). If this is you, hang in there, keep your heart open to God and if you have turned your back, just turn around - He's always there with his arms outstretched, wanting relationship with you. It's never too late to turn around.

The line about waiting one hour for our Savior comes from the passage in Matthew (Chap.26: 36-40) where Jesus goes off to pray the night before his crucifixion and asks Peter and 2 sons from Zebedee to wait and pray for him. When he comes back, they're asleep. He asks, "Could you men not watch with me for one hour?" To me the song uses that verse to ask us can we not just trust that God has a plan, even though it makes no sense to us. Can we continue to trust God and be patient for an explanation, one that may not ever come until we are standing before Him in heaven?

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Happy Birthday, Zack!!

Today is Zack's 23rd birthday. I know it is redundant for me to say we miss him, but we do. How do you remember/celebrate a day like this when your child is no longer with you?

We can think back on past birthdays and how much fun we had. Zack's 18th birthday was really a fun time. Zack and his friends had a whole grill to themselves at Kobe, our favorite habachi, Benihana-style restaurant and then went back to the house and had a party. Our sofa has one spot right in the middle that sinks down low when anyone sits on it because all Zack's friends at the party piled on the couch to get a group photo. I love the photo and our couch with the hole.
Zack's last birthday, his 20th, was spent partly at M. D. Anderson getting a platelet transfusion.
The docs and staff got him a cake and had a party for him. They were always so special - I will always appreciate them. I remember we were leaving the hospital and needed to get him in time for what Zack was doing with his friends that night, but I can't remember what those plans were.

How else can we mark the day? We can look at photos and momentos, old gifts and toys - be in touch with those times through physical objects that have survived longer than their owner.

We can cry for our loss, for lost opportunities and be happy for Zack that he is out of pain and is in a perfect place.

We could make a cake or trifle I suppose, with candles, although that seems just a bit creepy to me since it's to celebrate years of life and his earthly life ended two years ago.

Anything we could do now or did do then is just not enough. Our family, at least the way we used to be, loved celebrating birthdays and always tried to make the day special for the family member. We are not the people we were back then. You can't be, even when you want to. How do you know when you're planning your son's 16th birthday that it should be even better than you had planned because he would only have four more? How many things that I corrected Zack on or how many chores that he and I fought over would I know just let slide? How many more games of Worms would I have played with Zack and how many fewer times would I bug him about his grades?

He and I talked about this some and he told me he thought that, to some extent, his having to persevere on grades or chores helped make him stronger for when he would need it. There's probably some truth in that, but still if I could go back, I don't know . . . .

I think the best thing to do for Zack's birthday is to have a toast, tell a story and remember the man. In that spirit, I will begin the whole Month of Music over again with one of Zack's favorite songs - "The Parting Glass" from the Irish movie, "Waking Ned Devine."

The Parting Glass

Traditional

Oh, all the money e'er I had, I spent it in good company.
And all the harm that ever I've done, alas it was to none but me.
And all I've done for want of wit to mem'ry now I can't recall;
So fill to me the parting glass, Good night and joy be with you all.

Oh, all the comrades e'er I had, they're sorry for my going away.
And all the sweethearts e'er I had, they'd wished me one more day to stay.
But since it falls unto my lot, that I should rise and you should not,
I gently rise and softly call, Goodnight and joy be with you all.

If I had money enough to spend, and leisure time to sit awhile.
There is a fair maid in this town, that sorely has my heart beguiled.
Her rosy cheeks and ruby lips, I own, she has my heart in thrall;
Then fill to me the parting glass, Good night and joy be with you all.

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No Time in Heaven

There is no time in Heaven, but here on Earth, today is the second Anniversary of when we lost Zack. It's hard to explain what this is like if you've never lived through it. We don't want to weep and mourn and talk about him all day; on the other hand, we don't want to pretend like it's just any other day. This day was a sad day, but a sacred one. It was the end of Zack's earthly life but just the beginning of his eternal one. We know we will be with him again. We know, without a doubt, that he is in Heaven, is healthy, vibrant, alive - in a new body.

There is not much we know about Heaven. The Bible covers some of it and there have been people who have died and then been brought back to life who believe they have seen Heaven. When we knew Zack was dying, he and I talked a lot about heaven and what it would be like. I know it seems lacking or silly, but I wanted to help Zack have an idea of where he was going to help him the best I could. It's pretty helpless being the mom of a child who's leaving you to go somewhere that you can't tell them about.

Zack was not afraid to die - he knew he was headed to Heaven and that it was perfect beyond description - but he was afraid of the physical pain he might have to go through on the way there. God, who had given us so many small miracles along the way, was faithful and Zack was spared a lot of the pain that people with brain tumors often have. Because of God's care, Zack's strength and the fact that he has the most awesome friends on the planet, Zack even got to go out to a Christmas party six days before he passed away. Remember putting on his shoes? I can never thank my sister Megan enough for all she did. She came and stayed with us and provided the loving technical care that Zack needed. Thank God we didn't have to rely on Houston Hospice. The things they didn't do that they were supposed to do are a whole other posting. I also thank God all the time for our other family members, friends, church friends, neighbors, Zack's and Ariel's friends - everyone who gave their time and their love to be there for Zack and for us. Such people are evidence of God's love and care because I know I don't deserve the caliber of friends we have, but God granted them to us anyway. That is grace.

Zack was not afraid of dying - he looked forward to meeting Christ. He said the first thing he wanted to do when he got to Heaven was to wash Jesus’ feet. In biblical times, this was a way of thanking someone and also a way of humbling yourself before them. Everyone wore sandals and the streets were dirt and stone, so feet were not so clean. Zack loved Christ so much, though, because he knew that try as he might, he would never be good enough to follow God's laws well enough to earn his way into Heaven. In the days before Christ, God had commanded his followers through Moses to perform sacrifices and to observe days of atonement to bridge this gap between God and Man. When Christ came, it was not to throw over the previous laws but to fulfill them. Christ fulfilled more than 60 major prophecies regarding the Messiah. God sent Jesus to be the last Passover sacrifice needed. The cross was such a hard thing for me to understand when I became a Christian. How could he being tortured to death have anything to do with me? You have to understand the culture that Jesus was born into. It was one of obeying Jewish law and of making sacrifices to appease God. Jesus came and said, "Look, God, my Dad, said let's have a new arrangement. I'll be the last sacrifice needed - you won't need to do this anymore. When I die, I'll take all the sin of the world on myself, for all of you. All you need to do is to trust that I’m telling you the truth, believe what I say, tell God you believe it and try to follow God's teachings." I am privileged to have Jewish friends who I dearly love and respect. When Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Christ" came out many people were afraid of Jewish persecution because of the story. I know Christ lived in a Roman run, Jewish culture, but when I saw the film I never for a moment thought that it was the Jews fault. I, for the first time, really understood how Zack had understood Christ's sacrifice. I was very clear that it was my sin that put Christ on the cross - he died for me, for all the stupid things I have done and will do in the future. I finally understood the strength that Zack had drawn from Christ - here was a man who understood pain, rejection, and weakness. Zack knew no matter what he was going through, Christ had gone through it and would understand. Until God became man and had the experience of living in a human body, He could never really get down and understand us. Christ took care of that. That is why Zack could go to him with his fears, pain, worries and he knew that Christ knew and would care for him. This lifting of pain, lifting of burdens - it's an amazing thing. Prayer really works. Zack understood this and wanted to thank Christ in the dearest way he knew how. I thank Christ today that I can say with confidence that I know where my son is and that I will see him again. Actually, as Zack's friend Jane pointed out, since there's no time in Heaven, time being an Earthly construct, we're actually already there with him. Hard to wrap my head around that one.

In the meantime, think about Zack today. Think about all the stuff you loved about him and all the stuff you miss about him, then go out and be good to other people, make this world a better place. Ask God to say 'hi' to Zack for you and say 'hi' to Christ yourself and smile – you’re living in grace.

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Month of Music - Day 1

Zack loved music. He was also blessed with a great singing voice. It was a joy to stand next to him in church or to hear him just singing around the house sometimes. The Newsboys (from Queensland, Australia - where we are right now!) were his favorite group, but there were many others that he liked and listened to.

Since music has played such a huge role in our Christian walk - as encouragement, inspiration, teacher - I've decided to do a "Month of Music." For the next 31 days, I'll post the words to a different song of inspiration each day, with some explanation of how it made it onto the list.


So, it's been about a month and a half since I last posted. I'm such a lazy blogger.

Thank you for your prayer support re: the party. After I wrote the prayer request, I spent some time driving around in my car, listening to music and praying. I was so scared about what might happen to our guests, home, etc. Then, as I listened to one particular song, "You Were There" by Avalon, I began to feel peace about the situation. Here's the song:


You Were There by Avalon

I wonder how it must have felt
When David stood to face Goliath on a hill
I imagine that he shook with all his might
Until You took his hand, and held on tight

'Cause You were there, You were there
In the midst of danger's snare
You were there, You were there always
You were there when the hardest fight
Seemed so out of reach
Oh, You were there, You were always there
You were always there

So there he stood upon that hill
Abraham with knife in hand was poised to kill
But God in all his sovereignty had bigger plans
And just in time, You brought a lamb

'Cause You were there, You were there
In the midst of the unclear
You were there, you were there always
You were there when obedience
Seemed to not make sense
You were there, You were always there
You were always there

So haven't I learned that my ways
Aren't as high as Yours are
And You alone keep the universe
From crumbling into dust
You are God and though we would
Not have understood You
There You were

Hanging blameless on a cross
You would rather die than leave us in the dark
Every moment, every planned coincidence
Just all makes sense
With Your last breath

You were there, You were there
During history's darkest hour
You were there, You were there always
You were the Victor and the King
You were the power in David's swing
You were the calm in Abraham
You are the God who understands
You are the strength when we have none
You are the living, Holy one
You were, You are and You will always be
The Risen Lamb of God

You were, You are and You will always be
The Risen Lamb of God


As I listened to this song and prayed, I remembered that God had been there with us through all of the time with Zack's illness; he was there beside us when we had to look at MRIs that showed the cancer had taken over Zack's brain; he was with me in the dark November night, sitting at the waterfall outside M. D. Anderson, realizing that when we left the hospital this time we would be going home to be with Zack as the cancer finished taking his earthly life - God was with me in a palpable way and he was with me still. I thought if I could stand going through all that we went through with the cancer, I could certainly deal with a few rowdy party goers. Not me on my own, but with God's protection and help.

We passed the word to everyone that the party was cancelled and Ariel went to a friends' house for the evening. A few random cars drove by, but there were no problems. God is far better to me than I deserve. He is better to all of us than we deserve.

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Party Prayer Protection Needed

We have an urgent prayer request, going out to all our friends and family who are reading this as well as anyone just happening by.

Those of you who know us know that we love to open our home and have friends over for parties. Some of our best memories with Zack and his friends were from the times we got together. A situation of cultural misunderstanding has arisen and we need your prayer.

We have been planning a Halloween party for several weeks now, as a way to meet Ariel's new friends and their parents and for them to get to know us. I heard from Ariel's school today because they wanted to give me warning that since Ariel had told her friends about the party over an MSN chat room, it is very possible that the information has spread and that now we may be looking at not 20 - 50 kids as we thought, but there may be 500 - 1000 kids come by, most of whom we wouldn't know, they wouldn't be students at Ariel's school, etc. Apparently, it is common here but we had no idea when planning. As you can imagine, a situation like that can easily get out of control and they recommend that we call the police to notify them so they will be on alert!

Okay, now I'm freaked out. So, instead of just calling the cops, which I will do, I know the first line of defense is a spiritual one. Please pray for this situation. We need wisdom in what to do, discernment in who should be allowed on our property, and most importantly, we need spiritual protection. Please pray for the Heavenly Host to intervene for us and also for angels to surround our home and keep us and our guests safe. Some folks here actually hire bodyguards for parties for this very reason, but I know that nothing Earthly is more powerful than prayer or more effective than God's protection and provision.

Thank you for your help. I'll let everyone know how it goes, possibly with pictures.

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Heavenly Reunion

Ken's father, Zack's PaPa, passed away on Sept. 22nd near Beaumont, TX while fleeing from Hurricane Rita. I can only imagine the joy on his face when he was able to see, for the first time, his grown-up grandson Zack. The last time he had sight on Earth, Zack was just almost 5 years old. Although Ken's dad had a rough life at times, we really believe that he repented of his former life and received Christ in the past few years and that he is in Heaven now, joyous and whole, with Christ and his loved ones.

The following is Ken's account of the many blessings that were present amidst the sorrow and shock of losing his Dad. He wrote this to the great guys of the Savior's Sons back in The Woodlands, and also to some of our other close friends back home. -----


Guys,
I recently was in the Houston area (Texas City / La Marque), but not for a desired reason, namely my father's passing. Unfortunately with all the events, I didn't have time to visit with you guys, but want to relay the story of how God was working, even in the chaos that was my dad's death.

My dad passed away while trying to evacuate from Hurricane Rita, after 18 hrs in the car. He apparently had a heart attack while napping in the back-seat, not an issue of dehydration or overheating. Was snoring, then suddenly went quiet and was gone.

Here's the story:

My dad (Bob) was a blind, cantankerous, recovered alcoholic who lived with my mom Barbara - yes my wife and mother are both Barbara - in Texas City. He had been blind for a number of years (since '87), following a robbery / mugging where the attacker destroyed his eyes with the claw of a hammer. He was resistant to leaving the house, had never been to my sister's house in League City and generally chose to stay put for hurricanes. In the run up to Rita, I talked to my mom and sister and they said dad didn't want to leave, though my mom wanted to. As the
storm intensified in the GOM (Gulf of Mexico), my sister and her husband decided to try to force my mom and dad to evacuate with them to north east Texas and to board up my parents place with their leftover supplies. So off they went to Texas City.

When they got there, they asked dad about leaving, he said that he felt that they needed to leave. No opposition, no resistance - amazing. Mom gathered up various supplies and took a few precious treasures - including for some reason, this large photographic portrait of dad.
They headed up to my sister's in League City for dinner and to collect my nieces. Dad went to their house for dinner - the first time in 7 years he ever went to his daughter's house and was pleasant and enjoyed the meal (as it turns out the last real meal together).

They then headed out in 2 vehicles - my sister (Jan), niece (Lauren) and mom and dad in one. As Rita was supposed to hit Galveston / Matagorda, they were heading to my brother-in-law's parents' place up on the TX / LA border, north of Toledo Bend. Dad was conversing in the car,
seemingly enjoying himself, despite the slow crawl out I-10 east. In the early afternoon, dad was asking that they stop for a break, but there was not anywhere to stop, so he decided to nap and quickly fell asleep, snoring. After a little while, he fell silent. Mom checked on him and told Jan, that your daddy's gone. They pulled into the median of I-10, called the EMS and started CPR. EMS arrived, but dad was gone.

From here, the EMS transported the body with the 2 vehicles following to a hospital near where my sister just to work, so they were very familiar with the area. They contacted my brother, Larry in Louisiana, who used to be a funeral director. As time was growing short and the hospital was under orders to complete the evacuation of all patients and remains, Larry had to act quickly or dad's remains would be taken by FEMA. He called a funeral home he knew and arranged for them to pickup dad's body and have it prepared and transported up to Lufkin. All this happened, despite it supposedly not being able to happen. Also, Jan's vehicles were about out of fuel, but across from the hospital was a station still open with fuel, despite all the other ones they had seen being sold out. When they returned to the highway, traffic had cleared up remarkably.

They proceeded onward to East Texas, having to hurriedly say good-bye to dad, but mom had the portrait of him with her. At the place they evacuated to they lost phones, cell phones and electricity. We couldn't contact them for a couple of days. Then mom and John decided to head back, but the transmission went out in the back woods of East Texas,
late at night with no cell phone coverage. They set out flares and waited. Eventually, someone stopped, a guy with Verizon who had a GPS and a satellite phone. He called my brother and Larry drove over and rescued them. My mom then finally arrived home around sunrise. What a journey.

Now this all may seem tragic, but think about how God blessed us:
**Dad didn't resist going - if they had stayed, mom would have been all
alone in an evacuated town, when he passed on.
**Dad got to have dinner with all the family living nearby and was in a jovial, non adversarial mood.
**Dad passed away near a hospital that my sister knew well and passed without apparent trauma.
**They found a gasoline station that had supplies when others were out and their vehicles were nearly empty.
** My dad's body was able to be prepared and evacuated when there was no time to do so and our family was able to retain control of it.
**The traffic had cleared out, so they could quickly leave the area Mom had dad's portrait to console her while isolated in east Texas The person who came along that lonely road late at night, stopped, had a GPS and a satellite phone!

It seems like Dad knew something was up and God took care of the details.

I hope that all you and your families were spared from the effects of the recent hurricanes. Please let us know how you are doing.

View the Obituary for Ken's Dad aka PaPa

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God, Rita and You

Please pray for everyone in the path of Rita. It seems wrong somehow for us to be safe over here when so many people we love and care about are in harm's way. We are praying for each and every one of you. Please let us know how you are after the hurricane. The blog is open to anyone to comment for a limited time, so anyone can post a note.

It is confusing how there could be a loving God who knows each of us and yet things like Katrina and Rita happen. This is, I believe, one of the hardest things to reconcile in the Christian life. I know God loves each of us and wishes us only well. I know that God does have a final say over what happens and that often miracles occur. But often they don't, at least in a way we would recognize as a miracle, or in an outcome we would pray for. God is in control and yet sometimes awful things happen to innocent people. I'm puzzling over this question and yet still praying for a miraculous result to Rita. Keep looking for the everyday, easily mistaken miracle in your day and keep praying.

One partial answer to this came to us during our battle with cancer. That is that we are not bodies who happen to have spirits, but spirits who happen to have bodies. This home is not our final destination. Nothing will be perfect here on Earth, but will be in Heaven. We are meant to have something more to yearn for and to desire. God is not the author of bad things and pain, but does give us, if we ask, strength to grow from the setbacks and become the person we are meant to be. This is not fun, but it is a possible outcome of suffering.

This is only a partial answer and I still search for a more complete answer. In the meantime, please be careful and know that you are prayed for and you are loved - by us, but more importantly, by God.

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Hello from our new home in Aussieland

Hooray - we're finally on line. The week of the move was fraught will all sorts of unpleasant surprises, but all ended well, so that's okay. I can go into more detail later but for now I'll just say that the car was eventually sold, Alan's emergency heart surgery went well and Clyde was able to walk Nicole down the aisle and danced the father/daughter dance with her at the reception.

Sorry we were not able to see all our Woodlands friends or all the friends we wanted to see in Dallas before we left.

We had a great time in Cali with Lauren (except for Ken's stomach flu and my bronchitis). Okay, even with them, we had fun. Miss you Lauren - see you next summer.

We're settled in now and are really enjoying it here. Ariel already has several friends, we've found a cleaners, dentist (needed him the first day here) and a doctor (the second day), a health club and a hair salon. Ken had found a great church - Kenmore Baptist Church - before we got here, so that's a very important item handled.

We had a great time getting to know Rocky Grudier - a missionary/musician from back home who has been over here for a while - when he came and stayed with us for a long weekend our second week here. He is in New Zealand now for several months. It was great being new here and being able to meet someone from back home.

I've temporarily opened the blog to any and all, so you can leave a comment here or email us at our old email addresses for the next few weeks. We'll let you know our new ones by email soon.

I'll write more later -

Barbara

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Final Update on Zack

In case you didn't see this in your email, here is the last Update on Zack. Thank you all for your prayers over the years. Click on the link to see the chapters to the book as they get written.



July 3, 2005


Dear Family and Friends,

Today, the 3rd, has been a very sad day for me. I guess maybe bittersweet is a better descriptor. It was 5 years ago today that Ken and I sat in the waiting room while Zack had his skull sawed open and his brain tissues operated on by a stranger. It was the scariest day of my life. Up to that point, I'd never known so completely that everything is in God's hands. There would be many times after that, but it was so immediate that day. We just sat in the cafeteria, pretending to eat, clutching each other's hands and praying without ceasing for a miracle. It seemed I forgot how to breathe, how to walk. Food had the texture of grit from the floor and tasted like old, damp cardboard.

That morning, in the prep area, right before they took Zack in to surgery, our minister, John David Walt and Zack's youth minister, Bob Swan, showed up. It was perfect timing and Zack had a moment to pray with them before he went in. They then came and waited with us for a while. It was such a help, just to have them there, even when we were just talking about nothing. Just when they had to go see other members of our church, God sent more help. Our dear friends, Jan and Philippe DeChambrier, came up and stayed with us for a lot of the day. Jan brought a big 12-pack of Cherry Coke - Zack's favorite at the time. Jan is a cancer survivor and she and Philippe are the greatest. After they had to leave, it was just Ken and I and time. God was with us though, even then, arranging the timing and ensuring that we were cared for. We knew that He was guiding the surgeons' hands and was with Zack throughout the surgery and the long, surreal night in ICU.

Within 28 hours of getting out of surgery, Zack was able to not only have a room on the Pedi/Adolescent floor, Green 9, but to walk over to the Pedi-Dome in that area and shoot baskets. He was making them, too. It was a wonderful thing for us all, especially Ariel, to see Zack doing so well. We sat at the window and watched the fireworks over Astroworld, as by then it was the evening of July 4th. From that point, Zack always referred to July 3rd as his Independence Day because that was the day they freed him from most of the cancer in his brain and it was also the day when he began his personal offensive against the cancer.

When Zack and I first talked about putting all the prayer request "Update on Zack" emails together in a book, our idea, besides raising money for brain cancer research, was to share all that God was doing in our lives and to encourage others who were in the midst of a trial. I was thinking the end of the book would be when Zack was cancer-free for a whole year. Sadly, that ending was not to be.

Even after we knew the cancer was terminal, Zack still wanted me to write this book and to share our story with others. After he passed away, I felt awkward writing Updates. I mean, I'm nobody - I'm anybody. Why would someone want to read what I have to say? But then, one day, I really did see that it wasn't about me. It wasn't even about Zack, for that matter. It was about God, his providence, his promises and his faithfulness. Ultimately, it is about His Love. He cares so very dearly for YOU. You are His child and if you just ask for His care, He will be there with so much more than you could ever think to ask for. You just have to receive it. He offers guidance and protection through his angels, peace and calm for the storm through the Holy Spirit and salvation - forgiveness of all sins - through his Son, Jesus Christ. God is good - taste and see.

No matter what you are going through, no matter what storms, God will be with you. That is the main thing we learned through this five year voyage. We learned to live daily with the knowledge that God is in control - especially when our life was out of control. We came to live the peace that passes all understanding as written in Philippians:

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4: 4 - 7


Did this mean that we were never afraid again? No, we still faced fear. What it meant to us was that in the middle of that fear, we could also experience unreasonable peace. We knew that no matter what life would throw at us, God would be right there with us, protecting us and sending us help. Even before we knew what we needed, God knew and He would send it. You need to know that whatever you are facing today, God is there with you, too, and will send what you need for your journey. No matter what happens in the world, God is never surprised and He's never afraid. Even when it seems least likely, God is in control. You can rest in Him, just for today. Tomorrow He will send what you need for tomorrow.

In the end, the reason I kept writing after Zack left us is that I want this to be a benefit to others who are living with loss. Not that your experience will be the same, but maybe you'll find something in this that will give you hope for your future. Also, specifically for those who have lost a child, this is a territory not many have covered and it helps to have the words of someone who has been there. I know we were given strength for our journey, in part, by hearing how others had made it through theirs. I sincerely hope there is something in here that will be a help and comfort to you, no matter what you find yourself facing.

So, here is the final Update. I do so pray every day that our story will be a reassurance and a encouragement to those who read it. I pray that the "Update on Zack" book will sell and make money for brain cancer research. But most of all, above all and every day, I pray that I will be able to give glory to God for all that He did for us and to give thanks to Him for our many amazing experiences. Did you know that Moses had a speech impediment and yet he was one of the greatest communicators of all time? God gave him the courage and skills for what he had ahead of him. I feel like Moses - metaphorical speech impediment and all. I forge ahead even though I am terrified by what I am attempting. I pray that I will do a job worthy of all the courage Zack had and the pain he had to endure.

Thank you for sharing the time with us, whether you were our prayer partner from the first frantic email or whether you have just joined us. Thank you for your prayers, for all the practical help we received and for all the verses, recipes, cards, advice, information and time you spent with us.

I'll leave you with a song I heard today that brought Zack rushing to my mind. It's called "Remember Me", by Mark Schultz.

Remember Me


Remember me
In a Bible cracked and faded by the years.
Remember Me
In a sanctuary filled with silent prayer

And age to age
And heart to heart,
Bound by grace and peace.
Child of wonder,
Child of God,
I've remembered you,
Remember Me.

Remember Me
When the color of the sunset fills the sky
Remember Me
When you pray and tears fall from your eyes.

And age to age
And heart to heart,
Bound by grace and peace.
Child of wonder
Child of God,
I've remembered you,
Remember Me

Remember Me
When the children leave their Sunday school with smiles
Remember Me
When they're old enough to teach,
Old enough to preach
Old enough to leave.

And age to age
And heart to heart
Bound by grace and peace
Child of wonder,
Child of God,
I've remembered you,
Remember Me.

Age to age
And heart to heart
Child of wonder
Child of God
Remember Me.

Artist: Mark Schultz
Album: Mark Schultz
Title: Remember Me


Love and so many, many thanks,

Barbara Homrighaus

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Happy 4th of July!! Sorry about the lack of posting lately. We are in full swing with our move to Australia. I promise I'll catch up later. In the meantime, watch your email in-box for the latest and Final "Update on Zack." As we celebrate our freedom, remember to pray for our troops at home and abroad. If you know someone in the military, give them some thanks today. 

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Zack and our doctor, Dr. Bill Couch, on arriving back from the Savior's Sons Guatemala Mission Trip in August 2003. You can contribute to Zack's Mission Scholarship Fund, so other young men can go in the future. See information on the sidebar on how to help. 

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More pics from the trip - with Kevin and Kerri Henson; with more of the Savior's Sons.

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Zack and Tom Oldham, back from the trip. Tom wrote a song for Zack that he sang at the "Toast to Zack" in October of 2003. It's called, "Ode to Zack." Tom is a very talented writer and a good friend.

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Tom singing at the Toast.

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The Savior's Sons at the building site - Quiche, Guatemala, August 2003. Zack is on the middle level, in a white tee shirt and hat, to the far left in the picture.

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Tom leading the Savior's Sons in a modified version of "Ode to Zack" at Zack's funeral, January 2, 2004. We will always remember and appreciate all that they did for us and for Zack.

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May the Farce Be With You

Ariel, P.J. and I went and saw the new Star Wars movie this evening. I remember standing in line for an hour and a half with Christie Webb, in the hot Dallas sun, just to get a ticket to see the first one. It was worth it though. It's fun to tell young folk that back in the day, Star Wars had cutting edge special effects. I love to see their face. I really appreciated this episode because it explains how Anakin became Vader and other interesting details. I thought it told the quintessential story of good vs. evil, and on so many levels and in such a way that you could interpret it to fit your world view. The bad part was that I kept having smart alec thoughts at just the wrong times. I think I've watched too much MST3k. These things just come unbidden to my mind - I keep most of them to myself as I don't like talking during movies. I used to share them with Zack, since he had a great appreciation for the twisted. For instance, when our family was at the theater seeing "Titanic" years ago, right in the middle of the sad and serious part where Rose is floating on the raft, with bodies all around her, I leaned over and whispered to Zack, "Bring out your dead!" - a quote from Monty Python. He gave me a look, 'cause it just didn't fit the mood; however, he did laugh - quietly. I try to be serious, honestly - being a smart alec - it's just a gift. This evening, just to continue family tradition, I did tell Ariel one or two. She had a few good ones herself. Quietly.

When our family saw the last two episodes in the theater for the first time, Zack was always there with us. I missed him being with us and felt nostalgic for those times but it wasn't the gut wrenching, heart hollowing sadness I've experienced on other occasions, like Ariel's pageant last year. I just remembered the times we shared with great fondness. I love Star Wars, but have a feeling Heaven has it's own cool special effects department.

During the show, I thought of the many times Zack, Ken and I (and sometimes Arie) would watch one or another episode. I remember all of us watching the first 3 movies (Episodes 4, 5, &6) back to back on a Saturday afternoon/evening. Great fun. Zack loved Star Wars - had two light sabers, Star Wars Monopoly and a talking Yoda. Thought of Zack when I saw a new light saber at Best Buy the other day - it was totally cool. It lights up, makes the noises - I thought about getting it for my nephew-in-law's Birthday last month, till I saw that it was $120. Then I thought, "Love ya, Cecil, but it's not going to happen this year."

So tonight, now that we're home, Ariel, P.J. and I are going to watch Episode IV, A New Hope. After that, we're going to watch Spaceballs - another great Sci-Fi movie. So as I said in the title, May the Farce Be With You. In other words, the galaxy may be under attack and evil may have seemed to have won, but there's no reason you can't just have a good laugh, too.

I used to have a "What Revenge of the Sith Character Are You?" quiz in this space. I have since discovered that clicking on another quiz at that site has launched some ads. I'm removing the quiz so that you won't make your computer vulnerable to any spam that might come along with the ads. If you still want to take the quiz, go to QuizFarm.com - just be warned that many of their quizzes, while interesting also are risque and could be offensive. I don't endorse QuizFarm.com as a site. Proceed at your own risk.

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Happy Birthday, Karen!

Karen Long is my best friend. Today is her birthday - she's younger than me and I'm not saying by how much - so I wanted to tell you about her. Karen's the kind of friend that everyone wishes they had and if they are very blessed, as I am, they get the chance to have. She actually knew Zack before I did. She got Ken and I together. I had introduced her to her husband, Clyde, 9 years earlier, so there's some symmetry there, but still, thanks!

She loved Zack as much as we did. When Zack's cancer took a serious turn in the summer of 2003, Karen was right there for us. She's the first one I cried with when I really realized in July of that year that Zack was going to die. I can't remember why we were driving together, but she was driving me to Austin and it just hit me in the chest, knocking all the wind out of me and crushing my heart. She was there for me and wept with me.

When Zack had his first grand mal seizure and was rushed to the ER on Sept. 11th, 2003, and I was sure he was dying and was so afraid, she was the first one I called, after Stew Grant, Shellie Grant and Jan DeChambrier. (Stew met us at the hospital, along with Chuck Cauthorn, and stayed with us through that terrible time. Once again, thank you Stew. Thank you also to everyone who helped us that terrifying night.) Okay, in retrospect, she wasn't the first, but she is the one I called when I was sitting on the floor outside of Zack's ER room, broken, shaking and praying with every breath. I told her how Zack was Ariel's mentor for her Confirmation Class that year and had signed up to go on her Fall Confirmation Retreat with her that weekend and now might not even live through the night. She reassured me that he was probably going to be better (he was) and she immediately dropped everything, drove to The Woodlands and went to the weekend retreat with Ariel herself. It was a true gift and she was the perfect person to take Zack's place, since she and Clyde, her husband, are two of the people who led me back to God when I had strayed far away.

All through that Fall, Karen came down and visited, brought many surprises and Clyde, a retired Marine, had Zack made an honorary Marine, something Zack considered one of the greatest honors of his life. She was sometimes here for fun visits, sometimes because of another hospitalization. She was here to the point that she lost money from her Primerica business. She spent many days and nights with us up at M. D. Anderson. She was there with us, at Zack’s shoulder, when Dr. Ater had to show Zack his MRI revealing that the cancer had infiltrated his brain to the point that it was now terminal and that he would die. This wonderful woman was with us through it all - hospitals, late night calls, hospice and Zack's funeral.

Now, she's going to be the Mother of the Bride in less than 2 months, and I hope I can be even half the help to her that she was to me. I'll be there with her when her little girl becomes a wife and I couldn’t be happier or more honored. We'll go up for the wedding week/weekend, then come home Sunday night and fly to California the next day for a 5 day vacation with Lauren, then on to our new life in Aussieland. I'll miss being on the same continent, but I know that won't stop us from being in touch and visiting from time to time.

So, Happy Birthday, Karen. You're the greatest friend anyone could wish to have. I pray this year will be a wonderful one for you - full of surprises and new horizons.

Love always,

Your friend,

Barbara

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